Chicken Feed

It's time to get back to posting. Like these roosters, I've been pecking at the ground lately and feel like I've only come up with gravel. Unlike roosters, gravel is not necessarily good for my own crop. So, I am now determined to turn up something healthier!
But - I journaled my thoughts the other day and that helped. For some reason it helps when I put letters onto paper and make them into words. It is almost as if the words become a lariat which lassos mavarick thoughts around the neck and then drags them to the ground where I can tie them up and leave them.
The first thing that journaling did for me this week is that it took me back to something that I had written this summer and totally forgotten than I'd written! I wrote this during a prayer time when I felt the Lord speaking these words to me regarding quietness in certain stages of life. This is what I wrote:

Vicky, what do you think it takes to hear My Voice?
Doesn't it take this time of quiet - this time of "separation"? Isn't this what Jesus did when He separated Himself from the tumult of the crowd in order to withdraw and be alone with My Healing Presence?
As you refuse the voices which would tell you to be "busy", which would tell you that you are "doing nothing", the voices which would have you believe that you are "lazy" or "indolent", as you refuse these voices, and trust in My ability to lead your forward, then You will be strengthened for the work for which I am already using you. You do not fully realize just HOW I am using you because you would be undone if you knew it. Keep your eyes upon Me and trust the Word of truth that I am imparting to you every day, and draw upon My strength to obey. That is all you need to be concerned about. I will do the rest.
You are called and formed for certain duties and responsibilities. Those duties WILL be fulfilled through you because you have a willing heart for Me. Those responsibilities will also be fulfilled through you because you have a willing heart.

Do not be afraid of the quietness and silence of this time. It is for a purpose for which you are not apprised during these weeks. Yes--it is weeks. I have known the anxious thoughts which have flown into your heart when you've thought that you are slow to respond. These are the thoughts which have told you that you are a late bloomer. These are the disparaging thoughts that have told you that you are a slacker and a burden to your husband. I have known all these thoughts and My grace has protected you from the full effect of those lying words.
Press on to resist those lies--for they are lies. I am doing a deep deep work in your soul. It is a work that will lie so deep that nothing will shake it when the time of shaking is released. I have set you apart to be alone with Me. This will not be forever, but it is definately for this time. It is also a protracted time--so don't be afraid of allowing it to unfold in all its fullness. I will tell you when it is accomplished.
Am I not your Boss? Your good Boss always gives timely directions. And that is Me!

I love you and I will never turn My Face from you because you have CHOSEN to keep your face turned to Me and I have heard that cry and I have poured out My grace upon you that you might choose to obey. You are my choice servant. You are my silk purse. I have made you thus.

These words were on the last page in my Notebook Journal. That was terrific because I saw it again when I put in the new pages that I worked on the other day. I need to be reminded again and again of what I've already been given as I daily work to wrestle the mavericks.

My Journal - how do I do it? I have prayed about being an organized Annie for so long that I don't even recognize it if it happens! But this is what I've decided to do about my journaling process and I think it may just work - for me!
I have a Miquelrius journal that refuses to fall apart no matter how much abuse I give it. It comes in either gridded or plain paper and I bought a bunch from Barnes & Noble several years ago - enough to last me for a good long time. I draw, paint, glue, stamp and tape stuff into my Miquelrius until it bulges like an interesting fat person. I write everyday stuff in the Miquelrius - things I shouldn't forget to do, scriptures that I pray for myself and others, prayer requests, ideas that come to me while I'm reading. These are snippets and snapshots of my current place. I carry the Miquelrius with me whether I'm in the living room reading a book or in church listening to a sermon, or on the highway thinking thoughts.

When I'm feeling especially inspired, or needing to understand where my thoughts are taking me today, I take the thoughts I've gathered in Miquelrius and compile them at the computer and make beautiful journal pages using Paint Shop Pro and Art Explosion. I make pictures in Paint Shop Pro but then I take the pictures into Art Explosion and make them into journal pages. I also used purchased images from online scrapbook shops. I print off these pages onto matte photo paper (a real luxury so that I can get the print quality) and then put them into page protectors and insert them into a 3 ring binder. The newest pages go in the front.

It gives me a great sense of accomplishment to take discordant ideas and lash them down into columns with images and color surrounding them. It soothes me with a sense of order - an order over which I have control rather than feeling, once again, like I am being controlled. I also feel like I am actually writing a book for my own enjoyment. And that feels great!

Now, what do I think is happening with this blog? Am I becoming more transparent as I've been posting over the past few months? Am I more willing to take a risk and tell it like I'm seeing it even if someone else reads this and can't understand a thing I've written? OR, even if no one else ever reads it!! I hope so. I hope so. I hope that as I emerge out of this gravelly learning process that finally the casing is being slit away and I am going to come out of hiding.
Artwork in Header by Debbie Mumm; Header tut by Carol's Creations; Tatted Lace in Header by Gamock's Creations; Scraps in header by Irene Alexeeva; Butterfly at bottom of posting by Weeds & Wildlfowers

Dancing Heart

Ol is a new friend from Australia and is in one of my graphic sharing groups. She made this beautiful header for one of her stationeries today and graciously gave me permission to use it. When I saw Ol's artwork, I remembered a book that I bought for Amanda years ago titled "My Mama Had A Dancing Heart" by Libba Moore Gray and illustrated by Raul Colon. Actually, I bought the book for Amanda, but I still have it because I love the story and am captivated by the illustration work which makes me reluctant to give it up just yet. Here is a link so you can see the cover illustration.

The story is a word dance as it unfolds the choreograph of how one mother passed along to her daughter the ability to maintain wonderment and find joy in life. Now, that having been said, it should be no mystery to you as to why I love this book so much, since on several posts I've been blathering on about "wonder", "excellence", "joy" and "thankfulness".

I'm firmly convinced that "wonder" is a concept which is easily lost somewhere along the trail of life. It is stolen from us by the bandits Bad Experience, Loss Of Hope and Unachieved Dreams. There was an unforgettable day when I held my infant daughter, Frances, and looked into her 4 month old eyes. For years I had heard the expression about the innocence of children, but I honestly had never seen it until Franny and I looked at each other iris to iris. I saw innocence in the depth of those eyes like I'd never seen it before. I saw wonderment. And Frances drew me into a new place with her; it is now a haven that I will never leave. I guess I was just too busy or had too many expectations to see it in the eyes of my own children. But now in my quest for wonderment, I am determined to claim a daily nugget, drop it into my pouch and draw the heart strings closed. Those bits of stored gold can never be taken from me - no matter what happens because I am not letting go of this quest.

Recently I edited a paper for another friend who is taking a Master's education class. It was a paper about determining ways for "self care" while in the ministry of hospital chaplain. She had done a fine job of writing the paper, but I wrote back and suggested that although she'd done well in stating the problem, the solution was too general. She wrote in her paper that she was going to journal as a means for understanding her needs. However, I can't see this friend finding much satisfaction in the journaling process.

Amy is a wonderfully disciplined and perfectionistic person. She said that she pushes herself and is too harsh with herself while, at the same time, she is very compassionate with others. And these things are true of her. But I wrote back and recommended that she not be too upset if she finds that journaling is not a good means for her to relax and understand her stresses. Instead I suggested these things as means for rewewing her own sense of wonder:

*To take one week and look for the perfect vase for her desk. She can shop anywhere she wants but the vase must be very pleasing to her. It is to be a very fun process.
*After she's found the vase and placed it on her desk, then each day for 2 weeks she can go to the florist shop in the hospital or the grocery store and buy one flower that she finds especially beautiful. Then she's to take that flower to her office, throw away the flower from the day before and replace it with the one. This is to symbolize that she is finding freshness and beauty in each day.
*She can go on a scavenger hunt all by herself and look for something unusual - something in nature that is normally overlooked. It could be a single feather. It could be a clover. It could be a uniquely shaped rock. Then when she finds that object to ask the Lord for a story about that object. She can use her imagination and simply play with the idea. Let the story grow in her mind.
*She can put up a bulletin board or poster board on her apartment wall and each day attach some small object of significance from that day. As her objects grow in number, a story of her life will begin to unfold because she has begun to allow herself to dream.

This may all sound silly, and she may not even understand the purpose for the individual components of this quest, but I firmly believe that - for all of us - freshness comes when we take time to examine the little things.

Should you want to contact Olwyn, you may leave a comment on my blog, with your email address, and I will forward it to her.